Vacation Blues....

Don't read too much into the title...we had a GREAT time on vacation. I suppressed (there it is again....) most of the blues until we got back from vacation so that we would just be able to enjoy our time off, away from work and real life, with our families. It felt good to do that, until Monday afternoon that is. But then I was magically able to shrug off the phone call and continue on with enjoying what was going on in the moment instead of what I had no control over. How am I able to suppress all those feelings you ask? I HAVE NO IDEA.
Back to Monday of last week. The doc called with the results of my appointment and the hubbs test. She said my US images came back and she didn't see any blockages or cysts so that was a plus. While I am very happy about this, it still means we don't know much. She said she is still leaning towards the PCOS diagnosis with everything else I told her, but without the cyst section of it so I should be happy about that. We are still going to go ahead with the "challenge" and blood work for this next cycle and that should tell her more once she knows my different levels of FSH and testosterone and whatever else she is testing on me....a whole list of things. So now we must wait for day 3 to arrive so I can be poked and prodded and then again on day 10 and I think day 21 as well....
While I am happy to have some news, I again can admit that it isn't enough for me. I want all the answers right away (must be my generation....)
We also found out the results for the hubbs. Doc said the results came back abnormal but didn't have much else to tell me. She wants him to see a urologist.....lovely. It would make me feel 100% better if the hubbs didn't have to bear this problem like I do. He was worried and now with this from the doc, he is probably even more worried that it is all his fault. I just hope he sees that it isn't. My faith tank for this matter is going on empty. Prayers welcome.

Wanding away

During my lunch a couple weeks ago I went to the Dr for my sonogram. It was a quick 30 minute appointment. I got there, the waiting room had 3 "ready to pop" pregnant ladies and then one old/er lady. It was joyous not fun to be in the waiting room (to find out whether or not my insides might look alright enough for a potential baby) with all those pregnant women. I was on edge to begin with since I didn't know really what to expect. I was alone, hubby had to work. And I was sitting in a room full of freaken fertile women.

The appointment, to say the least, was horrifying. I didn't expect to really care I guess. I just figured I would go in, be "photographed" and leave. Well that is what happened, BUT.

BUT, my sonographer - lab tech lady - didn't talk to me at all the entire time.

Silence and viewing the inside of my body not having a clue as to what she was looking at was a bit un-nerving. The ultra sound (outside viewing) of my belly made me ubber-sad. I don't even know how to fully explain what I was seeing. It was just empty. Completely empty. Definitely a worse feeling than the pregnancy tests that scream NOT pregnant. Then she moved on to the sonogram part of inside (i.e. wand inside lady parts). This was weird too. She took pictures and measurements and I had no idea what I was seeing. Yes, I could have asked. Yes, I should have asked. But the lump in my throat prevented me from doing that. I hope - PRAY - that I never have to do that part again, but I know that I shouldn't cross it off my list of unpleasant experiences just yet. Who knows what else will come my way with this process.

Needless to say, the appointment ended. I got into my car and fell apart. Then cleaned myself up and went back to work. I definitely would have rather had the appointment on the Thursday after work like planned as I DID NOT feel like dealing with people for the next 4 hours. I sucked it up and repressed my feelings until I got home. Boy I'm getting good at repressing things....

Appointment chaos

Last Tuesday I had my annual pap appointment. All is clear on that end (well in two weeks it should come back just fine the doc said). I also met with the actual doctor instead of the nurse practitioner. When speaking with her I found out that she too has baby making issues. She had to take metformin for her first child and then clomid for her second. This honestly made me feel almot 100% better at the time knowing I would have a doctor who understood some of my issues first hand. She said that if we do continue on the clomid route and after 3 cycles nothing has happened that she will refer me to a RE (reproductive endocologist). ANYHOW....At the appointment she decided that we need to first do a sonogram. The sonogram was scheduled for yesterday. I went. More on that later.

The doc also mentioned metformin, but we are holding off for this cycle so we can do a "clomid challenge". Basically on day 3 of my period I will get some labs done and then twice more I will get other labs done all while taking clomid. Right now I am in the middle of a cycle, so once I get my period again, that is when this challenge begins. She is hoping the clomid and tests will tell her something about how I am ovulating and what not. She brought up PCOS since my periods are so bizarre still. When I asked her if it takes a while to show up, she said my birth control was possibly masking it. The labs in the next cycle will tell her more. So I may or may not go on metformin, maybe the next cycle. Who knows. The metformin would regulate my cycles more. The clomid would cause me to "super ovulate" hopefully. She said that with my strange cycles and strange ovulation dates during my cycles (as early as day 10 to as late as day 21) could possibly mean I'm not fully ovulating even though the pee tests tell me I am.

All this could also go out the window after my sonogram of my insides if there is anything wrong visibly or depending on what the hubb's test comes back as. Hopefully both of those come back clear and we can get started on the "challenge" and lab tests to find out what is going on with me.

How am I doing?

In June, my sister had her baby. We went home and made it just a couple hours after she was born. She is adorable. But yet, she is another baby in my life. Another reminder that we do not have a baby in our lives.

Our anniversary is next Tuesday. That makes it two years since we started our family and almost two years that we started trying to expand our family. My cycles are sort of normalish....getting more the 43 days on average instead of 60, but still not as short as I would like them. I am still showing a LH surge each cycle, so that is a plus, but I don't know if the egg is even dropping since I have not had my tubs checked. August 7th I will have my annual pap and I requested a longer appointment and made it with a MD instead of a nurse. Hopefully we can get something figured out.

The hubbs wants to be tested (which I will request in August). He is worried it is him. Breaks my heart to hear him say that. Makes me remember I am not in this alone. Thank God I have my best friend here next to me for support. At first I think he was stuck on the "it'll happen" track. I have always had this weird feeling something was off so while I would hope and hope each cycle, deep down I knew these tests would say - or not pregnant. By the way, don't buy those unless confirming a positive test...they hurt more. It was a little annoying to have him on a different track than me before, but now I wish he was still on it. Must be love I guess.

How am I? I am still here. I am still faithful. I am slowly losing weight....like very slowly. I am still keeping calm (as much as I can). I am still baby dancing hoping for a good result. I am a year older. I am a year further into our marriage.I am still not pregnant.

Drunken Cheerleaders

I joined the group on facebook for the book "Every drunken cheerleader: why not me?" a while back. The other day a co-worker was facebook stalking my profile and saw I was a member of this group. The next day she came into work and told me she thought it was a funny group to join. "What a great name for it! And isn't it true that high schoolers seem to get pregnant so easily? That's how I was too, just not in high school." REALLY! She sort of knows what we're going through in the fact that we've been trying for almost 2 years now. How completely insensitive! She needs to read that book and maybe get slapped in the face.

Gold Star

I realize that I posted to be reminded to post the following day, but it is now June 14th (HAPPY FLAG DAY!!) and I am just posting now about the conversation the hubs and I had. Gold star for promptness huh? NOT. With the insurance coverage still being up in the air, it is worded funny and my husband's company pays the first part of the deductible so we are unsure if we would still need that $500 up front or not, we are waiting. My annual appointment is due in July. We will go to this appointment together and see what is next for us. Until then we are just trying as always not to stress about it. Trying is the key word. AF came April 18th and has not come since. I have tested 3 different times, the last time was yesterday and still not pg. Not sure why I am back to the long gap, but hopefully my body gets with the program soon.

Tomorrow....

Remind me tomorrow to blog about our weekend discussion....