Struggler

WARNING: LONG POST
This is how I have felt for the last almost 2 years. Like a huge struggler...usually failure too, but mostly just that we are struggling through this process. I don't want to believe that anything can be wrong, so most of the time I just blame it on struggling. The struggling began when I went off of birth control. I thought we got pregnant right away. Honestly, about 2 months went by and I had not had my period. I wasn't having pregnancy symptoms, but without a period for 2 months that had to be it, right? Wrong. I took like 3 at home tests three different times and all were negative. I even went so far as to get a blood test right before Christmas. It came back negative, obviously. I chalked up the abnormally LONG periods to getting off the birth control after 6 years of being on various kinds. My periods continued to come every other month, about 50-60 days apart, making my "two week wait", much longer. We moved 8 hours south from our "college home" and about 5 hours south of our families. My husband got a new job and I began my hunt (after unpacking our lives) for a new job as well. My best friend announced she was pregnant right after we moved. I was thrilled for her and ached for myself to be pregnant as well (we always said we would do it together). It was this point that I made sure we practiced at least 4 times a week. I wasn't thinking anything about infertility at this point, I was just frustrated that we hadn't timed it right yet. We did this until July when I finally made an appointment with my OB and got a regular check up and discussed my still LONG cycles. She thought it might be the type of BC I was on - the brand tends to cause the body to take longer to get regulated afterwards (never using that again!) I was told to call her by Christmas if nothing had happened (ie regular periods or being pregnant).

We started using ovulation tests in September. I was sick of wondering if that was even the issue so I figured that if there was no "smiley" face on the tests during my cycles, then it meant I wasn't ovulating. Thank God I got a smiley face. Without this, I'm sure I would've lost it. Each step to trying terrifies me. The beginning trying, the doctor's appointment, the ovulation tests each month, the negative pg tests each month, and soon the doctor's appointment to get tests done I am sure. We've used the ovulation tests each cycle since September. Twice the husband was out of town, but I continued to pee just to make sure the ovulating was happening and that I wouldn't have to bother with wondering. I called at after Christmas per the nurses suggestion. She told me she was happy that I was ovulating (gee thanks random stranger) and that she wanted us to continue using the test for 3 more cycles. Needless to say...I waiting for cycle 3 to begin, I have lost the faith of a positive pregnancy test and am eager for the 3 cycles to be done so we can move on to the next step. I am also going broke from buying ovulation tests that don't work - well they work, but I'm not pregnant therefore causing me to buy MORE ovulation tests that will continue to work/not work. OH did I mention my sister is pg with #2? And my SIL was, but miscarried? And everyone and their mother is pg as well? That's another post for another day. I am exhausted thinking about my emotions with this. Why can't it just happen already?