Thursday, March 8, 2012

Journey into darkness

This post is complied of many other unpublished posts from my other blog. They are part of a process we are going through and at the point I wanted to document it, but was not ready to share it as I could just be over reacting - that doesn't usually happen (insert sarcasm here....) I am also aware how heartless my last post at the bottom of this sounds as my SIL has now miscarried. I want to be honest with myself and with whomever is reading this about how I was feeling at the time of these mini-posts, so I am leaving it.

AF came to visit tonight, again.  It is #3 of the last 5 months. That being said, I stopped using birth control and it has taken a while to get back on track. These last 5 months have been unprotected and unproductive as well apparently. Each time I have gotten AF in the last 5 months I have been sad. I cry and mourn the idea of not being PG. I long for a child growing inside of me. I can't find the words to express the ache, pain, and sadness I feel when I think about being PG and now AF has come this month, not being PG. It is hard to describe until you experience it yourself. I am completely ready to feel someone growing inside of me for 10 months and to watch them grow for 60 years. I hope that one day soon I won't have to imagine it anymore.

So, turns out AF did not come to visit like I thought in my last unpublished post. Just spotting after BD (big deed). I know, not really something you wanted to know, but I am unsure why it happened.
Other fun facts: as I mentioned before, I have been off the pill since July. I do not have "regular periods" yet and if they happen decide to be "regular" this month, I should be getting it sometime in the next week. If not and it decides to follow it's strange pattern, my app on my phone says that I won't get it until the end of March. FAR too long to wait and wonder. I hate this. I am thinking of making just a regular PAP appointment as I have not had one in about 1.5 years.

A girlfriend of mine told me the other day something her husband learned in his current Sociology class. He said that his book talks about a study or something that says that regular sex at least weekly sex promotes regularity, fertility, and general health long term. I guess we'll just have to keep following that to get these cycles regular! =)

While I was on the pill, I felt gross, unattractive, a bit depressed and just blah all the time. I rarely wanted to go anywhere, do anything or even be intimate with my husband. I went off the pill that I was on about 5 months ago. Let's just say (in not so many words) that I am feeling MUCH better. This is the first month that I have felt happier, more attractive (depending on the day of course) less depressed like, wanting to go out (this might have to do with the fact that I never do I just want to get out) and actually want to be intimate with my husband. NOT THAT I DIDN'T WANT TO BEFORE, but now is different. Very different. I am happy to say that my pill is getting out of my system finally and I hope the rest of my body works just as well! Oh! And I won't be going back on that brand of pill ever again.

A girl could hope that after a month...but nope. BFN

Still nothing. No period and I can't imagine that if I retested it would be a BFP. That wouldn't change in 3 days. We'll see. I knows what my cycle is doing right now so they probably aren't correct) and also when I should be gettingdownloaded an app on my phone and entered my 3 periods since going off the pill. The app then tells me my ovulation dates (which I try not to pay attention to since who  AF again. According to the app...end of March. BOY that's a long time, but I figure if April rolls around and no AF, I will test again and if BFN, I will make my appointment with the doctor. I am not concerned about IF yet, as it is only 5 months and I was on BC for 6 years, but I want to make sure everything else is okay since my AF isn't "regular". We will it April yet? 

Looks like the test was correct. I started spotting two days ago and now have a full on flow. LOVELY. Next month I guess....A bit discouraged....I have this yearning inside of me to have a child, to be pregnant, and to have a little human to take care of. We are ready and waiting.  Next month I am going to continue to use my app on my cell phone (as my average cycle is still 59 days) to calculate my ovulation - if it is even correct. Every ovulation calculator online only goes to 42 days, so thankfully this app allows me to just put in the starts of my periods and then calculates the dates itself and changes depending on what days I put in it for start dates of periods. If we get pregnant this upcoming month, bug would share a birthday month with K (our nephew). That would be fun and do-able as I wouldn't be huge-o preggers during the summer. Here's to the next 59 days....

So I have been very tired lately...the last week or so. I also have been peeing tremendously. I am not supposed to get my period until the 15th of this month, but had decided that this whole tired thing/peeing was abnormal enough to have faith in the whole "6 days" thing....I know, more than 6 days, but if my ovulation date of the 18th was correct, I should be able to test this early. BFN.
Later today, cramps like crazy while at work. No AF yet, but I am betting it will be here soon. Doctors appointment was a must now, made for June 14th at 1:15pm. Maybe if we are lucky it will turn into a blood test appointment instead of a pap. Here's to the next month waiting for that doc appointment to be here so maybe we can have some answers as to why my flow isn't regular yet! Rough day.

So...big day was supposed to be the 15th, and NOTHING. No period, no positive pee test, nothing. I wish I knew what was going on so I could fix it.

Turns out when you make an appointment, it helps if you don't also schedule yourself to work that day. Missed the June 14th appointment, but was able to reschedule for next Wednesday, July 6th. I also got my period on May 29th, so definitely not preggers from that two month span. I've been having strange cramps randomly, so I intend to mention that to the doc as well when I go. Hopefully the pap is normal (I've never had an abnormal one thus far), but with my period only coming every 2 months, it makes me nervous that something is going on. I made the mistake of googling my issues again. Long cycles, cramps, bloating, weight gain...not a fun find, so I am trying to ignore it unless it's the case and I will bring that up as well when I go to the doctor. July 6th needs to come quick so I can be assured that we are just fine and that if there is something wrong, we can get to fixing it!

Started peeing on sticks again yesterday. So far, no smiley faces. Let me explain. I am still not having a regular cycle. I am still not pregnant. I was told that I have to wait until after Christmas to go back to the doctor, per the doctor (that reminds me...I should probably make that appointment now). I would rather go back now and find out what is wrong, if anything is wrong. I don't wish for something to be wrong, but it at least would explain things. Maybe more sex will help. That's the goal this month, hopefully it works out. BACK to the ovulation thing. I bought a pack of ovulation tests a while back. Used them and it took me 14 days to ovulate. So I guess normal...but then it should be 2 weeks and period, was more like 3.5 weeks and then period. Got my hopes up again for nothing! But at least I got a smiley face. That means my body at least does drop an egg each month...what a waste! Hopefully the smiley face will happen when the husband is home though since he is gone til Sunday hunting. We'll see! Maybe by Christmas I'll have some good news or at least a positive reason to head to the doctor. Prayers and faith is what I am needing but also strangely lacking at the same time.

Last year at this time is when I started blogging (not that any of you have a clue that I am doing this at this point....) about my issues with fertility. This past year has been ridiculous. As I sit here at work, waiting for customers to come and for it to be 4pm, I know this isn't the place to even begin thinking about my fertility. When it is quiet like this and the radio is on, I find that each song has something to do with life and how I want it to be, even though I know it isn't up to me. granted, maybe I should change the station from country music and I would feel better, but I digress. I don't even want to go back and read what I have already told you, so I am going to probably repeat myself here. Either just before or maybe just after Christmas, I called the nurse to make an appointment to come in. She asked a few questions and she told me that I should continue to use the pee-sticks for 3 more cycles and then call again if I am not pregnant. Apparently since the pee-stick shows a smile, that means I am at least ovulating. That is a key thing I guess.  Currently I am in the middle of our 2nd round since I called the doc. No ovulation yet, but maybe it will work this time.
On top of this - stop reading if you don't want to be offended - my sister, my sister-in-law, a few friends, and a few cousins have announced their pregnancies. Yippee...I know it isn't their fault that we aren't pregnant yet and I shouldn't expect my sisters to put their lives on hold for me, but it still hurts. It seems so incredibly easy for each of them to get pregnant. We joked about that for both with their first ones, because at that point it was funny and J and I weren't ready. Right now it just sucks. I mourn the loss of each possibility each time I get my period and then get reminded that they have nothing to mourn and I pity myself once again. I guess it is good not to hold it all in, right? Isn't that what people tell you when you are angry with someone? Well I am not angry...just sad. I assume they know, so I don't tell them. I don't really want people's pity or advice. I mean honestly....what you have to say, I have heard/read somewhere and don't really want to hear it again. Just know, we aren't pregnant and yes we are trying and it isn't as easy at it back off. Yikes, that was slightly harsh and I am only going to leave it for one reason - to show myself how awfully bitter I sound. BUT in reality, I know that this process might take forever and might not happen at all. At this point, I am not okay with that. I am annoyed and angry that we aren't pregnant yet. I yearn for a child of my own and have wanted to be a mother since I was a child myself. I always knew that I would grow up, get married, and have many many babies. Currently I have grown up, gotten married, and moved to Iowa. NOT exactly what I had in mind. Praying helps. I think I just need to let go of the reins on this one and trust that it will happen or not, when He wants it to happen, or not. I will continue on with this whole peeing on sticks thing for the next 2 cycles. I will make that terrifying appointment for the doctor's office and make sure to make my husband come with me for support. After all, it takes two to tango.

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